its people like messa that make me really wish hard that I could draw. . .. . .

way to go girl

it gets to me and hit something really soft, raw and tender inside. I want it to go away. . .. .I wish someone would come along and bring irrefutable proof that the last two and a half years were just one big horrid practical joke on Jacen and I could at least have the option to laugh morbidly at it all. I wish it didnt exist. Or I wish i knew how to deal with it without it getting to me soo badly. I hate this stupid pain and if cussing at it would make it any better then i would have more than enough supply of words to make it vanish into oblivion. It sucks. . . . These people were supposed to be stronger than me. . .they were people that I looked up to and respected with more respect than I would give most anyone else.

I dont want to be hurt anymore. . .I dont want to be bitter, I dont want to feel the downward slope of emotion that slips over my heart whenever I think about it. I wish it were something entirely other.

(there are too many poor people in dallas)
Dear Scott,

Im sorry that i wasnt able to give more than i did. Its silver and Gold that i dont have but what i do have hopefully I did give and its continually given with every prayer that I pray for you.

You are loved
And you have meaning
And I think you deserve
More than what life is seeming

Dont give up and dont die out
your family looks to you to
figure what life is all about

He sees you and knows where youre @
just because you've lost so much
doest mean all is lost, no,
not because of that

So many changes to be happening seemingly all at once. . . .I'm Being tested I know it. . .that has to be it I'm sure. Ever wonder if you have limits and when you find you limits being tested how far they can go? I do, I am. Ever have a future dissapear in front of your eyes in a snap just because you didnt listen to that one voice in your heart that you knew was right all along? I did. I am.
So now there doesnt seem to be much of anything in front of me, nothing to look forward to and nothing proud to look back on or reflect. People are here like background noise sometimes saying something to the vibe of "It's ok" and "It'll be alright". They've been through it too I know but life is dying right in front of my very dimming eyes.
I dont want it too. . .Part of me is content to stay and have people just see me like this and have their pity but another screams resolution. I want my life fixed, I want healing, not just for me but for those lives around me that I know crave it as well. I want my friends back. I want them and not some facade. I want life to return to manageable. I want my friggin friend back.
I want who I know myself can be back. I dont want surreal but rather a reality of of what is true real life. Death seeks to exude me and that honestly freaks me out.

I want my friend back. . . . .

endrant
Jacen

Just in case anyone has a decent looking cartooning style and was wondering. .. "MAN! I wonder if anyone has a cartoon plot that I could draw out in three or four pannels. BEcause I would REALLY like to do that . . .and for FREE even, jsut because I am a art entheusiest (SP?) and dont believe that at this stage in my carreer I should charge "
Well I am the person you need then in that very specific case. Ive got an Idea for a cartoon and I cant draw all that well PLUS I think it would be interesting to see my Idea through someone elses eyes and mad pencil skillz yo.
*sits back and waits for the offers to come flooding in*
*Looks @ bree* *squints*